Today we’ve got some funny stuff from philosophers like Socrates, Schopenhauer, Plato, Kant, Nietzsche, Sartre, Confucius, Lao Tzu, and Cioran that will have you cracking up like never before… and by the way: if you are interested in philosophy, or just a human being who sometimes gets lost, don’t miss this article on the meaning of life. Relax, life’s too brief for perpetual solemnity, so don’t take existence too gravely, it’s probably a one-way ticket.
“I agree with Sophocles: the greatest luck is not to have been born – but, as the joke goes on, very few people succeed in it”. — Slavoj Žižek
A man dies and goes to heaven, where he meets God. The first question he asks is:
— What is the meaning of life?
And God says to him:
— Man, if I explained it to you it would take all the fun out of the joke!
“The average person thinks he isn’t.” – Father Larry Lorenzoni
“Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.” – Proverb
I am sitting with a philosopher in the garden; he says again and again “I know that that’s a tree,” pointing to a tree that is near us. Someone else arrives and hears this, and I tell him: “This fellow isn’t insane. We are only doing philosophy.”—Wittgenstein
Nietzsche: God is dead!
God: That’s enough! Who did it?
Socrates: I only know that I know nothing!
St. Augustine looking at Nietsche: No one denies God, except those to whom it fits that God does not exist.
Descartes: God can’t be dead! God is an infinite substance, eternal, immutable, independent, omniscient, omnipotent… It’s nuts!
God: Thank you, René. you are ruled out of punishment.
Jean-Paul Sartre: Even if God exists, nothing would change: man is made through the exercise of his own freedom.
Noam Chomsky: Well, religion is based on the idea that God is a jerk.
Karl Popper: Oh, really? Say it to my face, I’ll refute it!
God: Hello? Huh, I’m here! Am I invisible or what? I’m sick of you! I’m going to send a leave request.
How many marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The lightbulb contains the seed of its own revolution.
What do you call a wolf who reads philosophy?
I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist and worse… she can prove it.
A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.
Then, one day, the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just one evening. The philosopher agreed, and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.
However, when the time came for questions, someone at the back of the room asked him, “Is the epistemological meta-narrative that you seem to espouse compatible with a teleological account of the universe?”
“That’s an extremely simple question,” he replied. “So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer it.”
A newly discovered Greek Philosopher once said…”Meh,good enough”… which is my opinion on most of these jokes. ~Mediocrates
Two behaviorists have sex. One turns to the other and says,
“That was good for you; how was it for me?”
Why do Marxists only ever drink horrible tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
As I stared into the refrigerator I realized I was finally using my philosophy degree. “Why am I here?”
An Irishman’s philosophy…
there are only two things to worry about..
Either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you’re sick, there are two things to worry about.
Either you will get well, or you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die, there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or hell.
All the great Greek philosophers died as they lived… A long time ago, and probably in Greece .
(Keep calm! It’s just a joke!)
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you’ll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won’t have time to worry.
I have a really good Karl Popper joke but I can’t find any way to prove it’s not funny.
Advice: Don’t invite Arthur to your Birthday party.
I have a Schrodinger joke but it’s both funny and unfunny until I tell it.
Why shouldn’t you study French philosophy before Roman poetry?
Because that would be putting Descarte before the Horace.
An angel appeared before a conference of philosophers. Everyone was shocked, especially considering many of them were atheists. At once, a debate raged about what to ask this supernatural entity. Seeing the commotion, in a booming voice, the angel said,
“I will return in one hour, at which time I will answer any one question with 100% certainty.”
And then- poof – he was gone.
The debate intensified. It seemed every philosopher had a different question they wanted to ask the angel, but no one could be certain that their question was the best one to ask without wasting this incredible opportunity.
Eventually, though, the attendees all put their heads together and came up with the question they would ask: “What is the ordered pair consisting first of the best question to ask in this scenario; and second, the answer to that question?”
When the angel returned, exactly one hour later, he said,
“It has been one hour. What is your question?”
Trembling in anticipation and not a little fear, an old philosophy professor stepped forward and said:
“What is the ordered pair consisting first of the best question to ask in this scenario; and second, the answer to that question?”
In the same booming voice, the angel responded:
“That ordered pair consists first of the question you just asked; and second, of the answer I am now giving.”
And then he disappeared forever.
If Schopenhauer went to heaven, what would he do?
They say reading is hot. So I started studying philosophy. Now all of my relationships are platonic.
I wanted to make a joke about Philosophy… But I just Kant.
Professor of Philosophy
At the school-wide faculty meeting, an angel appeared suddenly. The angel said to the head of the philosophy department:
“I can give you wisdom, beauty, or 10 million dollars, choose one of the three.”
The professor chose wisdom without thinking.
After a flash of lightning, the professor looked like he had changed to another person. But he sat there blankly, looking down at the table.
A co-worker leaned to his ear and said:
The professor replied, “I should’ ha’ve asked for that money.”